Shadow of the past
by kena-san
Summary: Edward has become cold an hateful towards the world. The reason why is because his brother has been killed. Now nothing in his life matters, he's living only bacuse he can't end his own life. it it possible for him to return to his formerself? RoyEd
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Of course I find these things absolutely pointless. Really if I owner this series, why the hell would I be writing a fan fiction at all? Hopefully all of you can tell I do not own this anime/manga/game series. It belongs to the very talented Hiromu Arakawa. And obviously not mine. Although this story does belong to me.

Warnings: Yes this fanfic is Yaoi, so if you do not like guy pairings I suggest you don't read this. You have been warned.

Authors note: This story is slightly 'AU' because well we all know Al doesn't really die. I haven't watched any episodes in a while so if anything is off, I apologize greatly.

.:Chapter 1:.

Dull sounding footsteps echoed down the unusually empty halls of Central headquarters. Normally at this time of day there would be at least someone wandering the halls aimlessly. Today, on the other hand, it seemed like everyone was eager to do their work.

Void golden eyes stared at the ground, hands shoved deep into military issued pant pockets. The boy stood outside the door unable to knock on it. He stayed quiet not wanting to disrupt the strange silence inside the office. His blond locks swayed slightly as he lifted his head to take a look at the door.

Anyone who saw the young state alchemist would suddenly notice the absence of a rather large suit of Armor. The very armor that had housed Alphonse Elric's soul until recently had been destroyed. It had been a terrible battle, one that the Full Metal alchemist himself had barely escaped. Although the younger Elric's death had been a few month's ago, Edward could remember his brother's dying scream as if it'd happened a few minutes ago.

His body tensed tears that had been welling up now fell. Quickly shutting his eye's he lowered his head once more; his blond hair fell in his face. He didn't even know why he'd come back to headquarters, now that Al was gone what good was he to anyone?

"Colonel!" A female's voice echoed through the door. "Stop sleeping and get some work done!" After a paused three gunshots were heard.

Edward smiled grimly; it seemed as if Mustang had gotten Hawkeye mad again. Never a good thing to do, not unless you had a death wish.

He took his hands from his pockets brushing the irritating tears from his face. Making sure no more were about to fall he returned his auto mail hand to his pocket. Raising his flesh arm, he knocked lightly on the door. Standing silently he waited for one of the Colonel's subordinates to answer it.

Silence followed as he head someone approach the door, he shut his golden optics and took in a shaky breath. He stared at the door as it began to open.

As the door fully opened a woman with blonde hair stood in his way. "Edward?" Came the stunned response, seeing as he hadn't been out of his dorm room in the three month's following Al's death. Hawkeye smiled at the boy, "What brings you here?"

He placed a fake smile on his face as he looked up at her, "Well I haven't been to work in a while, so I thought I should come in." His voice no matter how happy he tried to make it still seemed empty.

"I see." She moved from the doorway, "I'll tell the Colonel you're here." She said nothing more to the boy her footsteps echoing in his head.

He suddenly noticed how quiet the office went, he inwardly cringed. Everyone had been treating him as if he were a child since the accident. He glanced at Roy who hadn't noticed his presence yet. The man staring at his dreaded paperwork, pen in hand. He cleared his throat, "You know bastard," His voice suddenly sounded like it used to, "I didn't think you were that old that you can't see your work without squinting." He replaced his empty looking eyes with a lazy look instead.

A growl escaped the man as his head shot up, "I wasn't expecting such a _small_ guest today." His smirk suddenly came to him as he watched the boy, forgetting about his sorrow.

His eyes fixed on coal black, "Small?" he repeated slowly, it taking a moment to set in. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE HAS TO STAND UNDER A MAGNIFYING GLASS JUST SO YOU CAN SEE HIM?"

Hawkeye watched the two as their infamous verbal spars started once again. She noticed how Ed seemed to appear like he had before. Even if it was only for a little bit, he deserved to be happy once more. "Colonel, you have work to do."

Her words seemed to fall on deaf ears as the twos yelling seemed to increase, she sighed walking silently out of the colonels office and to her desk. She got looks from Havoc, Breda, Fury, and Falman. She shook her head returning to her own paper work.

Suddenly silence followed after Roy had said something. The subordinates hadn't heard what he said, but it resulted in a small figure storming out of the office. His face pale and ghostly, they cringed at the distant look in his eyes.

"Full metal!" Roy now stood in the doorway, "Wait!"

The boy ignored him and kept on walking, he hadn't intended on suddenly breaking down in front of the colonel. His legs swiftly carried him down the halls. He didn't have the slightest idea of his destination. Just that he couldn't stay near anyone at the moment.

The images of Al's death had suddenly barraged him, he hadn't been expecting it, and he turned quickly Roy's orders for him to stop blocked out. He was glad no one was in his way if they were he would have mowed them down. Any where was better than being around people who knew his brother. His quick pace suddenly turned to a run, hair in his face. Shadowing the tears that now fell, he couldn't stop them, and he had no self control.

"Full metal, god dammit stop!"

He didn't look back to the owner of the voice as he skidded around a corner, there were people here now. All through the hall, but upon seeing the boy they moved out of his way.

He found himself skipping the steps in front of head quarters, by twos. He could hear many people chasing after him; most likely it would be Roy's subordinates. But he didn't care, he looked up emotionlessly. He found himself crossing the street, cars swerving to avoid him. He couldn't handle the pain in his chest; he had to make it all stop.

"Edward!" The voice of his commanding officer seemed to close for comfort.

He refused to look back; he could hear the heavy breathing of the man, just behind him. If he was going to be stopped they'd make him talk about what happened. "Go away." He had intended in it to sound like a snarl but instead it was just cold, dead.

The man's raven locks swayed he couldn't keep up with Edward for much longer, he had gotten a head start before Hawkeye and Havoc. Breda, Fury and Falman hadn't noticed what was happening 'till the last second.

He quickly turned down an alley way, he had to get rid of them. Why wouldn't they leave him alone, they had done so for a long time already? Why did they need to talk about it now, it still hurt to say his brother's name?

Roy was close enough to touch the boy now, but running was starting to become hard. He only had one chance to stop the boy who knew what he could do if left alone. "Full metal, that's enough!"

Once more Edward didn't stop; Roy came to a stop catching hid breath for a moment. Fists clenched tightly, he glanced down at his gloves. Roy started to run again he would not loose. His hand rose, eyes narrowing. Suddenly a loud snap was heard. Fire appeared in front of the boy, causing Edward to come to a halt.

His hair hung loosely around his face, he watched the flames, they blocked his path to freedom. He bit his lip until it drew blood, the copper taste lingering in his mouth.

"Edward?" Roy's voice suddenly turned concerned, a total change from his previous commanding voice.

He turned slowly, hair fanning out; he stared blankly at the man. The tears having vanished by now, leaving wet streaks down his cheeks.

Roy shuddered at the boys broken appearance, he wasn't the full metal alchemist he had once loved to tease. He was just a shell of his former glory. It was pitiful really, that one could fall so far without any effort.

He could tell that Havoc and Hawkeye's were coming to a stop behind him, everything remained quiet.

The full metal alchemist was no longer the people's hero, but a shadow of the past.

.: --x--:.

Hopefully this didn't suck as badly as I think it does. It wouldn't hurt if you could review my story.

- Kena-san


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Once again Full metal Alchemist doesn't blong to me no matter how much I wish it does.

Warnings: This story will have Yaoi in it, so if you do not like it, don't read.

Author's note: I'm dedicating this chapter to my very talented friend ShadedRogue if it wasn't for her I'd probably have never written this.

.:Chapter Two:.

The fire still roared fiercely behind them, cracks from the wood echoed in the now silent alley.

Roy stared at the boy, his coal black eyes focused on the boy, it was impossible. There was no way in hell the boy's fiery determination could have been broken. It was the one thing in this world he'd been sure of never disappearing. He cleared his throat, and opened his mouth to speak as hard as he tried to speak his words wouldn't leave his mouth.

Jean Havoc stood next to Riza; his cigarette had fallen to the ground from seeing Edward. He was dumbfounded, their brat had been broken. He shot a glance at Hawkeye; she didn't look any better than he felt.

His hair fanned out in the wind the blonde locks falling from their bounds. Arms hung limply at his side, the streaks where the tears had fallen drying slowly. His escape had been foiled, by the one he hated most. The void eyes went to the others of Roy's loyal subordinates as they made their way into the alley. His hands balled into fists; looking over his shoulder he watched the flames.

Images of Al lying dead on the ground flashed in his mind, eyebrows knitted together twitching ever so slightly. Why did they have to follow him, couldn't he just be left alone? He wasn't good for anything anymore, why did they pursue him. The tears that he had been holding back suddenly flowed down his cheeks. He looked down at the ground his face obscured by shadows. He bit down on his lip; he wouldn't let them see him helpless. It was the only he couldn't do, he swung his head towards Roy.

Normally the look of concern on his commanding officer's face would make him question his intentions. His hands when still no longer in fists. He rose them the metal one glinting from the flames. The quickly pressed them together, the sound of them hitting lingered in the air. He knelt placing them gently on the ground. Anything to get away from them that is what he'd do.

The blue light of his alchemy flared out, making the flames part so he had enough room to get through. Now at least he wouldn't get hurt. They didn't need to worry about him, it wasn't their problem. He rose silently, feet turning towards the flames. His golden orbs intently looking at the escape path he'd created.

Roy took a few steps forward, finally catching on to the boys actions. "Full metal stop." He repeated the words that he knew would pass through the boy's ears.

The sound of his footsteps, made Edward cringe. He didn't look back, his military uniform swayed as he moved towards freedom. Where he would go was unknown still. His eyes shut quickly and he started to run once more.

A crash of thunder sounded, rain fell to the ground hard. The flames from the colonel were dying. Roy cursed silently, he couldn't do anything to stop him, he couldn't use his alchemy.

"Sir?" Riza's voice broke the silence, "what now?"

He hesitated; he had no clue what to do now. He watched the form disappearing from the alley; it wasn't too late to follow Edward. "Nothing." His words betrayed what he actually wanted. He wanted to help the boy, to do anything to stop him from running from his past.

Hawkeye kept quiet, the rain falling heavily on the group. "Understood sir."

Edwards finally came to a stop next to an abandoned house. He glanced over at it, his tears hidden by the rain. It was a place he could hide from them. Even f it was only for a while. He couldn't return to the dorm, he had spent most of his time remembering the fun times with Al.

His feet traveled to the door, his hand grasping the doorknob tightly, he turned his hand the sound of a click heard. Pulling it open, he entered the building. Dust covered every surface; this at least was something to take his mind of his brother. At least that is, he hoped it would.

He moved slowly, every movement he did sounding out loudly. Everything felt numb to the boy; emotions like happiness were nonexistent to him. He made his way through the empty building, feet moving without thinking. He came to a stop at a set of stairs; his hand quickly flew to his head. He clutched the side of his head; a soft whimper came from him.

_'Nii-san!'_

His eyes shut tightly, legs giving out. He slumped to the floor. Tears cascaded down his cheeks, "S-stop..." He pleaded to the memories about to fill his head once again. His words fell on deaf ears as the barrier he'd attempted so hard to keep up crumbled.

_The empty suit of armor was still on the ground, it battered and ripped apart. The helm of his brother strewn across the room, there wasn't need to check the seal. It was gone, the whole area around it._

A strangled sob emitted from him, his arms slowly wrapping around his frame. He shook his head violently, "Go away!" He called out in the empty house. Nothing could make the image of his dead brother disappear, nothing at all. What he wouldn't give to forget, pretend it never happened.

Edward took in a shaky breath, "Impossible." He told himself, there was no way he could erase that image haunting him. He bit down on his lip until blood was drawn; he shuddered at the coppery taste in his mouth. His body was wracked with sobs, his broken frame shook.

He really was alone in the world without Al, nothing mattered anymore. His life insignificant without the younger Elric. His golden locks now were falling in his face, but he made no attempts to push them away.

Another sob came, he was useless. Pathetic, he couldn't even save the only thing he had left, what good was he to any one? Why did he deserve to keep living, when life was taken from the center of his universe?

The light caught something and an object near him glinted. His amber eyes slowly rose, focusing on the shards of glass near him. They shone when the light hit it, he watched dimly aware of his surroundings.

Inside the internal conflict still raged wildly, he couldn't stop blaming himself, and wishing he too was dead. He didn't notice as his metal hand drew closer to the razor sharp shards. His head was tilted to the side more hair covering his face, he brought his hand back to him.

He hissed as he pressed the glass into his left forearm, he pulled it downwards before removing it from his pale skin. Blood beaded up from the large wound, an emotionless smile was placed on his lips. The crimson liquid stained his uniform, and ran down the flesh. It fell to the ground in drops; he studied it with a sick fascination.

An idea soon flooded his mind, not for the first time in his life though. If the boy had been thinking clearly he would never ever dream of once again considering it. He leaned forwards as the far too familiar transmutation circle was drawn with his blood. At the moment equivalent exchange didn't matter to him, no nothing did. Just Al, he needed his brother. He had always depended on him, without him life wasn't worth living.

As he finished the circle he sat on his knees, eyes focused directly in front of him. Nothing could stop him now, he would complete the transmutation. The punishment the gate would set upon him didn't frighten him at all; the lifeless eyes quickly scanned the array.

He smashed his hands together and placed them upon the array. The emotionless smile grew as the bright light of his alchemy flashed around the empty house, it flared out. The house seemed to glow eerily in the rain storm.

Edward remained motionless, Al would be brought back.

He'd resurrect him, and everything would grow to be normal again.

The last thing the boy remembered was the brightness of the gate as he lost consciousness.

.: --x--:.

Hopefully this didn't suck as badly as I think it does. It wouldn't hurt if you could review my story.

- Kena-san


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own fullmetal alchemist you dolts.

Warnings: Once again this work of fiction has yaoi within it.

Once again dedicated to ShadedRogue..wow she gets lost of dedications.

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.:Chapter three:.

Silence was everything, nothing heard to the unconscious blond. The dull beeping coming from the machines around him seemed hollow. The hospital room was a bland white, and it reeked of death.

Soft strands of golden hair were no longer held in its tie, so it fell messily into the boys face. A mask had been placed over Edwards's face, it supplying oxygen to him. Small breaths escaped from his lips. He was covered in bandages; dark crimson splotches of blood had come through.

He laid unmoving oblivious to the world around him, Edward was lucky. To survive one human transmutation was amazing, but two? It was unheard of. His tanned skin appeared pale; months hiding in his dorm had done that.

He should have known that the transmutation would fail Al was dead. Never to return. His eyes were covered in the white bandages, but unlike the others no blood was seen.

A figure sat next to the bed. Coal black eyes were closed; his head hanging limply, a small snore was emitted from him. Like the full metal alchemist Roy Mustang was oblivious to the world.

The door cracked open, lieutenant Hawkeye walked in. She glanced at the boy first before approaching the slumbering Roy. A soft look passed her face, dark red eyes shut for a moment. "Colonel." She spoke aloud hand drifting to the gun in its holster.

The man grunted, stirring slightly. He was still sound asleep, eyes twitching every so often. His uniform was still on despite being on leave. The blue fabric wrinkled.

A small smile graced her lips; she rested a hand on his shoulder, "Colonel." She spoke again shaking him carefully. Trying to awake him, but not startle him.

Groggily the man woke, he blinked a few times. Trying to get rid of the fuzziness from his vision. An incoherent grumbled passed from his lips. He raised his head attempting to figure out what had disturbed him from his peaceful nap.

"Welcome back Colonel." She let her hand fall from her guns position at her side. She turned back towards the bed with Edward. She rested a hand on his forehead softly. For a moment a motherly look passed her features.

"Hawkeye, why are you here?" He asked, the man rose from his chair. She stumbled as soon as he had. He paused momentarily before continuing towards Edward's bedside.

The woman ignored him, "I wonder what he lost?" She questioned aloud. She hadn't expected any reply. She didn't really want to know. She was aware of how the boy always was cheated out of everything. He gave and gave, but never got anything in return.

Roy watched warily the calm woman for a brief moment, "Aa." He nodded his head wondering that as well. The beeping of the life support made the Colonel shudder. The boy was so broken, dead. He shook his head; he didn't want Edward's life to be stolen from him.

It was bad enough he'd lost Hughes, Al's death in a way was also his fault He couldn't take it if another person who'd trusted in him died. The doctor refused to disclose any information until they were positive of his condition.

How moronic could he be? "Didn't he know he would sacrifice something?" Roy grumbled just loud enough Hawkeye could hear. Worry laced through his words, he didn't appear to be the same brat he'd grown accustomed to.

Riza turned to Roy, "Havoc's got the car downstairs sir. You should go home." Her eyes narrowed. Crimson coloured eyes darting from the man to the unconsious boy on the bed.

Roy nodded, "But Lieutenent, I don't feel the need to go home. I'm quite fine staying here and watching over Fullmetal." He was focused upon the bandages covering the boys face. A twinge of sorrow suddenly filled him, it was a possibility. "He lost his sight?" He voiced his opinion out loud instead of inside his mind.

The woman turned quickly at the sound of his voice. "Colonel." Her tone was that of warning. "Please don't jump to conclusions, even the doctors don't know whats wrong with him.

THe raven haired man ignored her, the dark red splotchs on the bandages worried him greatly. It would be a shame if those captivating golden eyes no longer could see. It would pain him greatly to not see the determination inside the boy's golden orbs. He turned quickly. "Lietenant." Within seconds the commanding voice he used returned. "I suppose we should let the doctors take a look at Fullmetal." He approached the door, "Don't stay long."

The woman nodded in response, she hadn't intended on visiting the boy that long anyways. There was a troubling matter that plagued her at the moment. One that her commanding officer seem to be oblivious to. There hadn't been a warped body of the former Alphonse Elric. The only evidence of a human transmutation was the blood dripping from the sixteen year old, and the charred floor. Not to mention the transmutation circle drawn upon the ground.

It also was troubling if when she recalled that the humunculi were created by failed transmutations. Riza eyed the young boy, he was probably in a terrible dream. When he awoke it would become hell around. It was possible that he'd become hysteric like he had been when Alphonse had died. Or on the other hand, he could be still pitifully broken. How unfair this situation was.

Edward never got what he deserved only the pain life handed him. her blonde hair swayed as she walked towards the door, She hoped that he could be ahppy at least for a while.

Shaking her head, she followed out the room, after Roy. Aware that she wasn't the only one who wanted Edwards happiness. The whole group though he deserved it. But the blows kept hitting the boy, leaving him defenceless.

Her footsteps echoed in the abandoned corridor, a wry smile suddenly placed upon her lips. THe colonel had been neglecting his paperwork. She'd have to make him work later. Her hand unconsiously drifted towards the gun in it's holster. A reminder came to her, the gun would have to be reloaded before hand.

Upon leaving the hospital she viewed the Colonel sitting in the back seat of the car, a blank expression playing his features. SHaking her head once more, Hawkeye sat in the passenger seat, only glancing at Havoc.

He too appeared troubled, his normal lopsided grin vanished. Like always the ciggarette was between his lips. It was odd, Hawkeye noted. The second lieutenant had forgotten to light it. It was probably for the best. He would be saving himself the troubles of being sick for at least a little while.

Looking up at the mirrior she watched Roy stare out the doors window. His eyebrows knitted together in thought. "Havoc." She suddenly turned towards the man. "Lets go."

The other didn't respond the car falling into a silence. The car started, and the humminh of the engine was the only sound. Shifting the gears the Lieutenant started down the street, heading towards Roy's house first.

Roy was so engrossed with his thoughts he had not yet noticed the car had been moving. He intended on visiting his subordinant the next day. Hopefully he would be awake this time.

Hopefuly he wasn't still broken, lost, and pitiful. Hopefuly he hadn't lost anything that was of inportance.

A shudder passed him, he prayed that the boy still had those emotional eyes. It wouldn't be the same without that firey determintion.

Scar had once told Edward that he had eyes that could see forever. Those golden orbs seeing what others could not. Always full of hope.

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Please read and review

-kena


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